This article is part three of my series on how one's birth year plays a part in shaping one's attitudes towards various things. So far, I have talked about consumerism and government. In this article, I elaborate on dating and marriage. To recap, the four groups according to birth year are: pre-independence, between 1947 and 1965, between 1965 and 1988, and post-1988. Each groups thinks of dating and marriage differently.
The first group has never understood the concept of dating. The members of this group often think of dating as something that 'good children don't do'. According to them, a guy and a girl meeting alone before marriage in not exactly acceptable. Let alone dating and then eventually choosing their spouse, they didn't even get to see their faces before they married them. The parents made the decision, and they simply accepted it. The marriage was not of two people, it was of two families. Once married, they couldn't even think of the possibility of a divorce. The fear of what family and society will think is just too great. Just like dating, the engagement and the honeymoon were non-existent too. Showing affection for the spouse in front of anyone, in public or at home, is not common either.
The members of the second group had considerably more freedom than their parents in choosing spouses. It was not considered inappropriate for them to 'have their eyes on' a prospective match. When the appropriate time to get married came along, the families would be brought into the picture, and the parents would do the talking on behalf of their children. A commonly used term for such a marriage is 'love-cum-arranged' marriage. The approval of the family was an important, but not the only factor in deciding who to marry. Though inter-caste marriages were not common, they weren't frowned upon either. Dating while in college was becoming normal, but it usually meant going out in a big group of guys and girls, with every member having someone special in the group.
The third group embraced the concept of dating and being in a relationship before marriage. Inter-case marriages are common, and so are the so-called 'love marriages'. The members of this group find nothing wrong in finding their own spouse, but also appreciate the benefits of arranged marriages. The last of this group will be married in the next three to five years, and a lot of them are marrying someone they've dated for a few years. With the obvious exceptions, it is uncommon to see members of this group having had multiple girlfriends before marriage. They figure that it is okay to date and see if things work out, otherwise there is always the option of having parents find someone nice for them. They look at the arranged marriage as a backup option.
The last group probably thinks life should be like the way it is in the sitcom 'Friends'. Members of this group will get married much later, and have their first boyfriend/girlfriend much earlier in their lives than those in the third group. They are comfortable with the concept of a live-in relationship and with dating in high school. They look at marriage as a tool to get society's approval for two people living together, something which they do not care much about in the first place. They are also much more accepting of homosexuals then the members of the previous groups. Just like their attitudes with consumerism, they find themselves to be closer to the western world. A lot of energy is spent by the other groups discussing the loosening morals of and lack of a value system in this group.
As of now it seems as if each generation marries later, is more liberal and more accepting of alternative lifestyle choices than the one preceding it. Each generation takes some amount of pleasure in the fact that its value systems are better than the 'kids of today', but worries that its own children would grow up just like those kids of today. Though inter-cast marriages have become very common, so have divorces and broken engagements. One thing that hasn't changed, however, is that very few people marry outside their own religion. Indian society has traditionally been highly segregated and no amount of liberalism has changed that in a substantial manner.
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Shaheen Nath(TCS),(Udaipur)-How my Relationship with the Bohra Muslim Girl from Udaipur finally broke apart
Let me make it very clear that I am not a lout neither a
vagabond who is prone to tomfoolery.I come from a family of
academicians and judges of impeccable repute and integrity.My father
was a senior professor in IIT Kgp and now he is with the Atomic Energy
Commision as an Emeritus Professor.My sister is a Journalist and my
grandpa was a Senior jude in the Supreme Court.I myself work in a
reputed ITcompany in Bangalore.My mom is an MA in English Literature
and presently a House wife who has always played a pivotal role in
shaping our minds and education since we were in School,from the works
of Keats and Wordsworth,to the essays of Huxley and Disraeli,she was
instrumental in moulding us as educated humans of irrefutable
intellects
I was always a liberal in my heart.I considered every
Indian irrespective of religion,gender,sex,ethnicity as my own
countrymen .But my egalitarian outlook towards my countrymen who
adhered to a different religion was only reciprocated with
hatred,brutality,mistrust and disdain.Let me sum up the details of my
past two years.
She never belonged to a family of skull,cap
wearing ,ghettoish Muslims.But with time I was able to strip her
family members of the crass act of liberalism that was just a façade
on their face.
Her Mom was very cordial to me in the start.But I was always
oblivious to her Mephistiphilian mind as she talked to me in a
motherly tone which was always so convincing but very soon I realized
she was trying to play politics with her dirty,crooked mind .It
traumatized me that she was such an evil,human underneath her skin
while she conveniently put up a façade of benevolence which was so
cunning an act of dirty hypocrisy.She always told Shaheen that she has
no antipathy in our relationship .But much later I realized that she
hated me from the start,hated me like an obnoxious creature,while she
played and skillfully orchestrated a cunning game of political
intimidation against my family,me myself and against my sister .
Exactly one year from now,last october I was asked my her mom
to meet her Bro in Hyderabad.Her Bro was working with the Infosys at
that time,being back from Switzerland and Dubai after six years of
onsite posting.Her bro met me in person and talked to me in a tone
that was concealed with a lot many words which were intensely
diplomatic and politically correct ,but which made clear her
intentions as crystal clear.Even while he spoke I could sense that
deep hatred and condescending politeness which could never be
appropriately concealed under his scornful look and opprobrium towards
me,my physical presence was perhaps repulsive to him.I was repulsive
because I was a Hindu ,I was repulsive because I was not a Bohra
Muslim,I was repulsive because I was an Idol worshipper.I came to know
of these things much later on.
Her bro called up her dad and narrated the entire incident three
months after I had met him in Hyderabad.The first reaction of her dad
towards our relatinship was”Tu Murti Puja karegi,tu ek Hindu se shaadi
karegi,tu ek Kafir se shaadi karegi”.That was the first time I
realized I was just another Kafir in their family,inspite of all my
education ,inspite of all my eruditeness,inspite of all my liberalism.
Exactly a week after it happened I asked shaheen to write a letter
to her Dad detailing our sojourn for the last three years.She complied
with my request and did pen down a letter to her dad.It was then the
real turbulence started in her life,it ripped apart all her
convictions and beliefs that she had in our relationship.
Her dad asked her to come down to Udaipur on an occasion of
her Grandmom’s demise and the consequent funeral rites.She met her
entire family members in Udaipur ,her dad,her bro,her
mom .Everyday ,every night her dad brutally assaulted her physically
asking her to call of our relationship,since it would be a disgrace
for Him amongst his Bohra Muslim Clan Members in Udaipur,when they
come to know of our relationship.Her Bro called me a Lout and
Disguised Hindutva Agent who wants to convert a Bohra Muslim Girl
under the false pretext of love .Her Mom called Her a Sin in
conception since her actions will bring disgrace to the entire Bohra
Muslim Clan of Udaipur.
She came back to Mumbai after two weeks of staying in
Udaipur,and narrated the entire incident to one of her close friends
in Mumbai who in due course of time narrated the entire incident to
me.I was shattered ,my senses were brutalized,my sensibilities were
mutilated by her brutally,insensitive family members who wanted to
keep their Bohra Muslim Daughter inside their clan of Bohra Muslims
alone.For her family members,even all other muslims were
untouchables,for example the Khojas,Memons(Shia Muslims) as well as
Sunnis.This intense sectarianism and clan rivalry,hatred,blood feuds
between clan versus clan,brutalized my instincts and
education,traumatized me of all my sanity.I was treated like a second
class citizen in my own country,I was brutally traumatized by those
people of my country whom I considered my own in my own country,in my
own Motherland.
She soon called off the relationship after
deliberating over it according to her
Own sense of ethics and reason,I tried to convince her for months at a
stretch but it was all futile in the end.I tried to convince her a lot
with my reasons and intellect.But she called up her bro and complained
to him that I was harassing her mentally by sending her obscene
sms’s.It was a brutal lie,a lie which never had any basis because I
had never even used a single abusive word against her,against her
family,against her clan,against her religion.It was like a Chameleon
she complained to her Brother .It was a terrible lie and it is only me
who knows it since noone ever will believe me,atleast her family
members.
I started getting Anonymous calls from Hyderabad
soon after.It was all so weird and strange.I was abused like Hell by
strange,gruff voices on the phone who threatened to kill me in
bangalore if I do not mind my ways.I tried to reason with them but my
reason and rationality was drowned under the volley of abuses ,calling
me a Kafir,calling me a Hindu Bustard,Calling me an Idol worshipper.I
can still forward you the mails I got from those anonymous ID’s in my
mailbox.My mind was traumatized for days and months,I was abused with
a slandering whirlpool of abuses against me,myself,my religion,my
country,my parents,my culture.And this all happened from Bohra Muslim
Men and women who always pretend to be intensely secular,liberal and
extensively quote from Marx and Che Guevara to give credence to their
claims.
These Bohra Muslims have a website on the internet
http://dawoodi-bohras.com/
,the irony is that while they pretend to be liberals and quite secular
in their outlook,what I have experienced from a very close proximity
is exactly the reverse,they are as primitive,tribalist,predatory and
clannish as their more more orthodox counterparts among the Shia’s and
Sunni’s.
It has been six months now.She was married off to her cousin
in USA who works in Infosys.I was traumatized ,my senses and
sensibilities were brutalized and mutilated by the entire brutal
fiasco I started taking psychiatric pills soon after.At one point of
time I even contemplated commiting suicide.But my counselor helped me
with his intense sessions of psychotherapy.It was lost for ever,my
angel was lost for ever,her voice was muffled by the
strange,male,patriarchal,feudal cannibalism of her father and
brother,she was made to accept a man of whom she knew too little while
I had to close my eyes and weep.My memories will always remain with
me,I’ll cherish them and silently weep over what I have lost for ever,
perhaps I was mistaken,they never belonged to me,they were just
fleeting moments of a spectacle with a divine providence,to enlighten
me ,my fractured,myopic intellect.I do not know.I am confused,its all
like a hazy past,hatred,pessimism,mistrust all merged into one.
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