Ever had the feeling you were stuck in the wrong place? Don't get me wrong...I love Bombay. But I think there's a right time for everything...and every place. I miss Austin. I really do. The view of downtown from Mt. Bonnell. Sitting under the 360 bridge on a moonlit fall night, with the moon reflecting in the river. The sound of cars zipping past on the bridge above. Trudy's, Waffle House and Chipotle. Walking past West Mall on a bright spring morning, grinning back at the carefree smiles of the people manning the tables. Those drives to nowhere and back. Those Saturday afternoons spent doing nothing at all. Those smiles, those days, those memories. I miss all of that.
Of course, these memories mean nothing without the people who are part of them. Once they are all gone from Austin, it won't be so much fun going back. But there's a part of me that just wants to go back. What will I do if I ever get to move back? I don't know. Maybe I'll work, or study or do nothing at all. I just want to go to an exciting, vibrant and global place. I think I was too young when I went. I could have done so much more. I spent almost the first two years just missing Bombay. Now that I look back, I wish someone had told me on day one itself, to make the most of every moment. I don't regret anything I did or didn't do, but I always wonder how it would have been otherwise.
I'm a restless soul. I want to do everything at once. I want to continue studying, work, have fun, meet people, see the world, read, write and capture all of it with my camera lens. All at the same time. As much as I love Bombay, I get tired of the routine life. Commuting. Having to study after the commute. The pollution. Every time I do something I love, I feel guilty about not studying. Even if I am done studying for the day. Even if I am ahead of schedule. Why do I feel guilty? I just don't get it. I want my soul back from the CFA. I want to go on a photo-walk on a Sunday morning. I want to spend Saturday night painting the town red. I want to enjoy a quiet evening reading the Economist, over a big cup of Costa Coffee. Without feeling guilty about it. I think I'm growing up too fast, maybe a side-effect of always being the youngest among older peers. Most people in Bombay aged 22 aren't juggling a super-hectic work schedule with a post-MBA degree. Heck...even if they do, they don't have as many hobbies they want to pursue all at once as I do.
My interests are all out of sync for India. The artists I like don't perform here. The wine I like doesn't get sold here. The jokes I like aren't understood here. I want to go to a place where I can be myself. A place where young, single people work hard and party harder. New York City. Singapore. Tokyo. I don't want to commute three hours a day! It saps the enthusiasm out of you.
I know I should be happy with what I have, and not be sad about what I don't have. But I think I'm a pretty ambitious kid. I feel that this is the time to see the world. Live in different places. Once I finish studying and settle down in life, I won't be able to do all this.
Ah, the restlessness. I guess all I can do is wait. Maybe the way my life is planned out, this isn't the time. Maybe I'm meant to be here, yearning for that life in the Big Apple. Because if I crave it so much, I'll make the most of it when I do live it. Not spend the first half missing what I left behind. I'll cherish every moment. Learn every day.
It will all come when the time is right.
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4 comments:
Amen to THAT. I completely agree with you- with every word of this well-written piece. Only, I thought the title was a little cliched. Surely you can do better than that?! :)
Ps: Get started on those short stories, won't you? Then you'd have a valid reason for sticking around this place :)
try trading......
You know the feeling of void comes , hits hard and lingers for sometime. It could be because of a loss of a dog, because of someoen close, for someone because they feel that a place has become such an integral part of their life that the they let the image given by the place be carried forward as a legacy for the rest of the years. I felt it too and i still feel it, but than one thing about all humans = they r adaptable. You had the same feeling when you went from Mumbai to Austin and you have the same when you came from Austin. As the saying goes, and this too shall pass. People never replace people but memories do fade to give space to newer ones. If you come to terms with this concept thats when you will see an Austin everywhere around you.
I dont know why, but for some reason I loaded up this page and read this post again. Perhaps its because I have now been in Austin for eight years and feel this strange sense of ennui. I am still very grateful, but tired.
You did well in your undergrad years, forming memories and learning about people. Atleast, you have something to remember. When I look back at my four undergrad years, memories are few and far between, people are almost entirely absent.
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